It's Life

Learning how to say no

January 23, 2017

No….it’s a word we dread saying because it sounds so mean and it hurts so much. The power of that word can cut you to the core and for me…I don’t know about you…but for me…I always want to know why. Why are you saying no? I want to know why so that I can improve on what I need to improve on so that I can get a yes. If you go to a job interview and they have you come in for 3 interviews and then they call you and say no you don’t have the job……I always want to know why. Was it something I said, was it the way I looked, what was it that kept me from getting the job so that I can know what I need to do the next time to land the job. It can be on the flip side too if I ask someone to go with me to the mall and they say no….I want to know why. Is it because you are busy, is it because you really don’t have the money to go, is it because you have something else planned. I am a curious person and I would like to know why you said no. Most people say no is a complete sentence and you don’t have to explain yourself but some of us want to know the reason and if we don’t ask we assume in our head what the reason could be and that messes with us (at least it does with me) so I have to work on accepting no. I also have to work on saying no because I say yes to a lot of people because I feel bad and want to help everyone I can. I sometimes get overwhelmed and then realize I have way to much stuff on my plate and I end up crashing and burning all because I didn’t say no. I never have to explain my no because I rarely say it which is bad…….and so for 2017 I have to learn how to say no and not worry about the outcome. I also have to accept when others say no and not worry about the why. How do I stat this process?

Well I can start using phrases that aren’t as hard as the word no like..

Not right now – This is great but it may open up the door for them to come at you another time

I’d love to but I just don’t have the time – This one I am going to try because it’s honest…I don’t have the time

I don’t want to say no but I have to – I like this one but it still seems a bit harsh to me

I’m just not comfortable with that – this one is kinda iffy but it may work in some situations

Some people have the art of saying no down to a science. It doesn’t bother them at all when they say no. It bothers me though when people tell me no and for some rejection doesn’t even matter to them they keep on rolling to the next and then to the next until someone says yes. Rejection hurts but it’s nessassary and you have to put yourself in the shoes of others to really get why no should be a big part of your vocabulary. After a burnout last year and having to take a mental break over the holidays I had to make sure I came back with a renewed mind and a way for me to say no to others and accept a no when it came to me.

Start small – Make a list of what’s important to you and stick to that list if something comes your way where it doesn’t fit into your list…..don’t feel guilty about saying no. My goal is to be a six figure blogger by the end of 2018. If what you are asking me to do doesn’t fit into that and I don’t have any extra time to devote to something for you….then the answer will be no. Your real friends will understand and if someone doesn’t understand that you are busy building an empire then they aren’t meant to be in your life. If you say yes what are you going to lose in return? Time with your own family, time building your business, time away from your real friends, time away from charities and events you want to attend. Know the implications of saying yes before you do and make sure it’s something you truly truly want to do.

Don’t lie – We tell a lie when we really don’t want to do things. If someone asks you to come to their party…oh I can’t make it because my Aunt is coming into town…you know good and well your Aunt isn’t coming you just want to have your Saturday free or you want to attend something else. Don’t lie and say someone is coming or that you have something to do when you know you don’t really have anything to do because it may come back to bite you in the ass. People will say well how was that visit with your Aunt…..huh now you forgot your lie and you have to cover that first lie with another lie. If someone asks you to attend a birthday party don’t RSVP, if they ask you if you will attend simply say no not this time and leave it at that. Or you can tell them the truth and say…You know what this is my first  Saturday free in a while and I just want to spend it on my couch eating bad food and watching things on my DVR. You don’t have to give an explanation but if you do…try to stick to the truth as much as possible.

Make yourself less assessable – I only give my cell phone number to people I like. If I don’t like you then trust me you won’t get my cell you will get my house phone or my google number. I don’t know you well enough to give you my cell. If I first meet you and I don’t know you….I will give you my google number or my house number. You can’t text me on my house number (people have tried that because they don’t think people have house phones anymore) but you can text me on my google number. My google number goes to my house phone and I am not always home so most of the time you will have to leave a message. My cell phone stays with me at all times……you will not have access to me at all times if I don’t know you. If you only give your number to a few people and send the rest to an email or something that is less assessable to you then you will be okay. This cuts down on people asking you to do things because you don’t get the message in time or you have time to look at your calendar. If you have your phone and someone calls you off guard to ask you something you may feel obligated to say yes in the moment. If they text or leave a message…you have time to think about it, see if it fits your schedule, and then make a better decision that’s not at the spur of the moment.

Don’t leave the door open if you truly want to say no – If your gut says to say no…..then say no. Don’t say maybe or check with me later because then they just might do that. Some people think a maybe is a yes…but if you leave that door open be prepared to walk through a couple of weeks later. If you do leave the door open to think about it….then when they come at you again make sure you have your firm answer ready.

I have a habit of just not replying to people….for me that is my no. I know it’s not the best way but I feel like common sense should tell you if I don’t want to do something and you ask and I don’t reply that should tell you right there that Kita doesn’t wanna do it. If I don’t answer you then you know my answer. If I truly wanted to do it you would have a clear answer from me. Use the medium that works for you if it’s email…use that to say no, if it’s text…use that sometimes it’s hard to have a phone conversation and say no because you then feel obligated to explain especially when the person is silent on the other end.

So how do you say no to people? Do you get hurt by the word no?

  • Reply
    robin masshole mommy
    January 23, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    The older I get, the easier it has been for me to say no. It’s definitely not easy, but it’s necessary sometimes.

  • Reply
    Alli Smith
    January 23, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    I’m sure there have been times in the past when I’ve been hurt by someone telling me no. And I’ve also been that person who has found it hard to say no. Even today, I won’t just blurt out a big fat no. I have to do the southern thing – go all around the bush before finally saying no is such a way that it makes them feel like no was their idea in the first place. 🙂

  • Reply
    Paula Schuck
    January 23, 2017 at 1:59 pm

    Wow. It’s like you wrote this post just for me. I have always had a hard time saying no. I will overwork or overcommit myself into the ground because I can’t say no.

  • Reply
    January 23, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    This is actually very funny that this post is today. My friend was just talking to me about having a hard time saying no to a friend of hers. Her friend always want you to take care of a bird but it’s extremely hard for her to get there. I am definitely going to share this post with her.000

  • Reply
    Jacqui @FlightsFancyMom
    January 23, 2017 at 6:46 pm

    I have to get better at saying it nicely lol. I’ll usually say, “Sorry, can’t.” And that’s it. My family gets to the point of, “Why? What are you doing?”, to which I respond, “Why do I need to explain myself? I have a life you know..” Yeah. Then we hang up irritated. Them because I won’t explain myself, me because I feel like I shouldn’t HAVE to explain myself. lol. I need to try, “I’m a bit busy, let me get back to you with a better time.” Although, lately they’ve stopped asking me because I told them that I just can’t afford to do much lol.

  • Reply
    January 23, 2017 at 7:01 pm

    Reminds me of my little 11 month old granddaughter. She has learned what no is and hates to be told no. Sounds like all the rest of us. We don’t tell her no to be mean but to keep her safe. Unfortunately that is not the case as we become adults.

  • Reply
    Pam Wattenbarger
    January 23, 2017 at 10:12 pm

    It is really hard to say no! I always feel guilty for saying it and making other people feel bad.

  • Reply
    January 24, 2017 at 12:26 am

    I definitely have a hard time saying no. And I feel like I am stretched way too much, always taking on too many things. I have tried to get better about this and I need to make sure that I think about how it takes too much out of me.

  • Reply
    January 24, 2017 at 1:30 am

    I really struggle to say no. I think that is why I am such an easy target for sales people. It is like they sense my vulnerability as I am walking down the street. Too often I’ve gotten home and have signed up for something I really don’t want to be a part of.

  • Reply
    Stephanie Jeannot
    January 24, 2017 at 2:37 am

    It is okay to say no to something is not suitable to you. And no you are not required to give a reason because not everything you do merits an explanation. You can be you and not shy about it. You deserve the best.

  • Reply
    January 24, 2017 at 6:47 am

    This is a great reminder. I used to have a hard time saying No even if my gut told me No.

  • Reply
    Chubskulit Rose
    January 24, 2017 at 12:59 pm

    I used to find it hard saying no but now I learned how to say it whenever I have to.

  • Reply
    Rebecca Swenor
    January 24, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    These are all great tips to say No. I love the one about being honest and not lying if you really want to say no. This is a post I will have to share with some of my family members too. Thanks for sharing the tips.

  • Reply
    Jenn @ EngineerMommy
    January 24, 2017 at 1:41 pm

    It’s important to say no sometimes. I also struggle with doing it often enough, but sometimes I find that if I stretch myself too thin, then I will be overwhelmed and stressed. SO I definitely need to say no more often.

  • Reply
    January 24, 2017 at 3:51 pm

    I am always that person who can’t say no! HA! This is a great post and really makes me want to be able to say it more often.

  • Reply
    Shannon Graham
    January 24, 2017 at 11:50 pm

    I hate saying no as well. However, it can be just as detrimental as it is good if you don’t regulate how often you say yes to everything. I had to, just last year, start learning how to do it in polite ways like you mentioned. Of course (sadly) many people would treat me poorly no matter how I turned them down but that’s just a poor attitude and I had to remember that.

  • Reply
    Dawn McAlexander
    January 25, 2017 at 3:53 am

    I used to be bothered by telling people no. Anymore I look at it like this: If I don’t want it or need it or can’t afford it) then I am going to say no. If they don’t understand, then that is their problem.

  • Reply
    Mimi Green
    March 29, 2017 at 1:22 pm

    I use to be afraid to flat out say no. I had to learn that no was a complete sentence and that I didn’t need to explain myself. I thought an explanation would make it better. The Mister has a doctoriate in saying no, honey it rolls off his tongue with ease. He has to teach me his ways.

    Saying no to someone else is saying yes to me. That is what stuck with me the most.

  • Reply
    Nikka Shae
    March 30, 2017 at 8:39 am

    I used to have a hard time saying no, but last yeah I decided I was going to start saying no to a lot of things and I feel so much better!!

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 3:03 pm

    I guess I’m one of those folk that doesn’t have a problem saying no. In fact, I love it lol. I learned long ago not to stretch myself too thin.

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 5:32 pm

    I learned long time ago like Stacie saying no is the only way no to lose your mind or feel stretched too thin. Otherwise people will keep asking.

  • Reply
    March 30, 2017 at 9:40 pm

    I’m slowly growing more comfortable with telling people no. I’ve been getting a lot of practice lately in my email inbox. Some of the crazy pitches, story ideas and potential “partnerships” people send my way…are like an immediate NO! And I sleep well lol.

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 1:37 am

    I’m 46 and I think around 40 I learned how to say No and not give a rats ass about who got mad or didn’t understand. The older you get the easier it will be to say No

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 7:15 am

    No is a strong word and we gotta use it sometimes. I used to have a hard time with this because I ddnt want to disappoint people but sometimes a STRONG no will save you from your own troubles.

  • Reply
    Elle (CleverlyChanging)
    March 31, 2017 at 11:25 am

    I don’t like to say No so frankly. Instead, I like to say, now isn’t a good time, but check with me in a month or two. Sometimes, I do have to say no plainly, but, thankfully, not too often.

  • Reply
    March 31, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    I use to find it hard to say no but now since I’ve become older, it’s gotten easier. I’ve learned how to slow my pace down because after all saying yes to everything, eventually wears you down. Thanks for sharing!

  • Reply
    Ramona from Addicted to Fries
    April 2, 2017 at 8:22 pm

    Saying no has always been difficult. But, as I get older it has become more important. I’m learning every day. Also, I’m learning to accept “no” from others. It hurts sometimes, but a necessary pain.

  • Reply
    April 3, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Great post, and great tips on learning how to say no! I find the older I get, the easier it is to say no!

  • Reply
    April 5, 2017 at 12:51 am

    LOL! I have the same habit of not replying, too. These are all great tips but I have no problem saying no as I get older. Great post!

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