Understand that I used a specific word in my heading —“healthy,” not perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But as mothers, we should always strive to have a respectful and open relationship with our daughters because if no one else is going to be there for them, we will. And they need to always feel that. Sounds easy, huh? Of course, it isn’t, but I have some advice on how to tackle such an important and tough task. Here’s a quick Q&A of the lessons I’ve learned so far with my Zaza and how to build a healthy mother daughter relationship.
How to build a healthy mother daughter relationship
Q: What can I do if my daughter and I have different personalities and are always butting heads?
A: The first thing you should do is learn more about her personality type. There are several tests or methods, but I recommend figuring out her love language (yes, this works for kids too). Pay attention to how she responds (or doesn’t) to words of appreciation, quality time, and the other three options. It’s about learning what she needs to fill up her love tank. Or even better, research her zodiac sign. When I remember that Zaza and I are fire signs, I immediately get her! One day I know she will get me too, in all the ways we are similar and different. But until then, I’m going to focus on learning who she is and how our communication styles can fit together.
Q: What if my daughter wants to wear clothes that are outside of her age range?
A: Now, this one hits close to home because we’ve all been there. I bet you can remember a time you put together the perfect outfit, only to get sent back to your room to change. Our parents did care a lot about our style back then, but it’s not until you become a parent yourself that you begin to understand their reasoning. I’ve found that by explaining the full ramifications that come with dressing older you can start a dialogue rather than a system of resentment that’s full of eye rolls and disregard. So what are some of those ramifications we should be warning our children against? Of course, we should not be judged by the way we dress; but for our young girls, they can become targets for those sick individuals who prey on them. On average, teens enter the sex trade in the U.S. from 12 to 14 years old. That’s scary. Your conversation with your daughter should be fact-based and full of tactics that teach them how to not fall in harm’s way, which could also include dressing appropriately. With Google as their best friend some days, you have to come with hard realities, not to scare them but to keep them informed. Remind them too that cute is different from mature. We need our daughters to stay young as long as they can. Tell them that responsibilities like bills and adult situations come with adulthood…and we all know they don’t want that either.
Q: How should I handle her during her period?
A: One of the hardest times to deal with your daughter is when she’s on her cycle. Hormone levels are high. PMS becomes a factor in all that she will do and say. Instead of completely locking her into her room for a week (I know you’ve thought of that before), let her know that we’ve all been there before. Even though it doesn’t feel the greatest, you can remind your daughter that having a period is a rite of passage into womanhood. In my I Threw My Daughter a Period Party post, I shared the gift box that I ordered for her, which included cute and useful items for her period. Honestly, I don’t feel like we celebrate periods enough. Normalizing periods in your home can change how your daughter deals with it physically and how you two communicate and operate during that time too.
Q: How do I deal with those teenage-tudes?
A: First thing, don’t go to jail. Secondly, besides the hormonal changes happening through her body, the teenage years will also be the stage where your daughter will challenge the alpha female—you. In the animal world, mom lions physically knock their offspring down a notch, but you don’t have to do that. Try creating boundaries. If an argument is brewing between you two, take a break and reset in two different rooms. Then, you will come back to the conversation calmer than before. Have intentional conversations too, not just “how was school?” Check her demeanor to gauge if she had a good or bad day and then dive right into getting the details.
Being a teenage girl is totally different now than it was back in the ‘90s but there are still a lot of similar obstacles that we are already equipped to help them deal with. Use these reminders, ideas and tactics to communicate better with your daughter. They need us to guide them successfully into their next stage of life. One where we won’t always be around physically to guide them through. Here’s a chance for us to avoid passing along our own package and teach them that survival is possible especially since we have their backs.
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