I never belonged anywhere and that’s ok

This is not a woe is me type of post because as I’m I getting older I find that being alone and doing things by myself cuts down on less stress but I do want to talk to those who feel like they don’t belong. We all want to belong no matter who we are. It’s human nature. It’s what we want as a society. We want to find a group, see what we have in common with them, and then hang on for dear life. Most of the time you click well with the group but sometimes you are the outsider. Sometimes you know you just don’t belong but you stay hoping that you can pretend long enough to get by. Outsiders are the ones who people look at. Outsiders are the ones no one wants to be around. We are our own group of people and if you find like-minded outsiders that’s who you need to hang with. So how do you deal with not belonging anywhere? It’s lonely on that road but here is how I make it through.

How to deal with not belonging

There was a game that I used to love in school. The teachers were teaching it as a lesson but I turned it into a fun game. It was called which one doesn’t belong. I did it in math class, English class, history class, it was even a few questions on the SAT’s. Which sentence doesn’t belong in the paragraph? Which word doesn’t belong with the definition? Find the missing piece of the puzzle. I was always acing those things because I was an outsider so I knew what didn’t belong. See we gotta recognize when we don’t belong somewhere. You can feel it and we will talk about that later but let’s get back to the game. If you spot a group of friends sometimes you can spot which person doesn’t belong. It will be one of the girls that won’t be like the rest. One that will stand out. It will be subtle details like maybe she isn’t dressed like the rest, maybe she isn’t speaking up like the rest, etc. It’s not hard to spot the odd one especially if you are the odd one yourself.

The odd ones are the ones who get picked on the most. The ones who don’t have the latest shoe or the latest phone. I remember my son got teased at school and was put out of his group of friends because he didn’t have a name brand Jordan and the rest of them did. I saw the other day on Facebook that a girl wasn’t invited to a party because she didn’t have a phone….a cell phone…and her friends only invited those who had a phone with snapchat. She was 16 years old and told her mom that she felt left out because she didn’t belong because she didn’t have a phone. She blamed her mom for making her this way and tried to run away from home.

Not belonging starts with cliques in middle school

I think you feel it more with girls than with guys. When I was little I never belonged with any of the girl cliques becuase I didn’t have anything in common with them. While they wanted to go to the mall and talk about boys all day. I just wanted to chill, read a book, play some card games, and do other stuff that shall remain nameless lol. My daughter was having a conversation with her friend about hair and her friend said that she needed to get her hair straightened in order to come to a birthday party because the girl didn’t want anyone at the party that didn’t have their hair done. So my daughters hair isn’t done when it’s natural. Wow! Thats how these groups get started. So now my daughter feels like she doesn’t belong and because I am always the odd one out I knew what to tell her.

First, stop worrying about not belonging. It’s the ones that don’t belong that are the ones that stand out the most. See people notice who does’t belong almost right away if you are paying attention. Being different makes people talk about you. If you are being talked about…that means people are paying attention to you. Second, your friends who you have now will probably grow apart from you as you get older. That means that whatever clique you think you belong with can change in an instant. As you get older remember that. One day you may belong and something life changes happen and you won’t anymore. If you can adjust to that change then you will be ok when it comes to life. Friends will come and go but you…who you are should always remain the same to the core. Third be the leader. Normally the ones who stand out don’t care about fitting in which makes them a leader. They don’t belong anywhere they are dissruptive. People will call them crazy. My girl Erica gets that a lot. She is in her own world and does her own thing. She came up with a saying last year and it went viral but nobody gave her credit, people stole her saying and made it their own but she kept right on being crazy and she stands out. You will notice her! She went to the essence festival by herself and made some moves…alone. Be okay with being alone.

What if you can’t find your tribe?

People always say find your tribe. Find where you fit in. Some people don’t fit into any tribe. We are our own tribe. You will never belong everywhere so get that out of your mind. Learn how to belong to you. Learn how to be a tribe of one and let others fit in wherever they can get in. When you are your own tribe you can change and reinvent yourself endlessly. That’s the beauty of being your own tribe you can change without fitting in. When you are your own tribe you can tell your own story the way you want to and guess who can listen to it? Those that feel like they don’t belong also. I don’t fit into any tribe right now. Not the marriage tribe since I’m not married, not the blogging tribe because my blog isn’t huge, not the reg mom tribe because I cuss, not the photography tribe because I don’t do what other photographers do, not the single tribe because I’m not out here sleeping around or dating around, not the going out tribe because I’m introverted, I don’t fit anywhere. You know what though? I love that I don’t! I love it so much that it took me years to finally embrace that. I am my tribe. When I need someone the most I have God and myself.

Know when you aren’t a part of a tribe. If you see the crew who you use to hang out with hanging without you know that you aren’t part of the tribe and don’t beg to be in it. I hate when folks beg to be a part of something and they don’t get it that they aren’t wanted. That breaks my heart. That broke my heart when I was younger because I would so want to belong and when they didn’t call me to go out or invite me places I would feel some type of way. I think that is how I became an introvert sadly no one would invite me so I stopped going out so when I meet people who invite me out I feel that they are only doing it to be nice. Hey, you can’t fault me on that because when you are the person who never got invited and then all of a sudden they want you in the room…it can become suspicious.  Now since I am my own tribe I get to pick the room I want to belong in and know that if I put myself there I wanted to be there.

Here are some key points

• don’t beg to be in the room. Also, don’t make a fool of yourself pretending to fit in when you know you were meant to stand out
• Be ok with feeling alone and hanging out with you. Some folks you can tell when they don’t know how to be alone. Learn how to be alone so you aren’t ever shocked when you are
• If you don’t belong in the room you walked into exit immediately. Don’t stay when you aren’t welcome. That will make you feel even worse when you get home
• Make it cool to stand out. You are one of a kind so if you stand out, know that there is no one like you and there will never be
• Do you even want to fit in? Ask yourself why you want to fit in and be real. Some of us just want to fit in to get to the next level. We feel like if we hang with such and such we will grow more
• You are not the only outsider out here. So technically you aren’t alone lol
• Some people say well Kita you don’t belong because you don’t open up. That can be true but I feel like I have put enough on this blog for people to see who I am…you aren’t reading
• your outside doesn’t match your inside. Maybe you don’t belong because what people see on the outside isn’t who you are on the inside. If you know who you are then you will find a room. Start with who you are first

I’m almost 40 years old and when I tell you it feels good to not give a shat about where I belong anymore. Whew, I wish I knew this when I was younger!