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Why don’t you have any friends?

August 11, 2016

I was asked this question a few weeks ago by one of my late husbands friends. He said Kita you are so real , so raw, so funny, so giving…..why don’t you have any friends? I guess we got on the subject because he asked me what I was doing for Memorial Day and I told him nothing because I didn’t have anyone to spend the day with which is normal. He was shocked and asked me why didn’t I have friends? He knew that I didn’t have many girlfriends through my husband but he didn’t understand why. Let me back up and tell you why I don’t….

I was 5 years old when I had my first real best friend. She and I played together, walked to school together (I lived in the city there was no bus for kids who lived close to the school), ate lunch together. She was my bestie and then one day she was gone………I knew she was missing a few days in school and I thought she was just sick until 2 days turned into 2 weeks. I finally asked my mother what happened to her. My mother said that she would find out and she did. She moved to New Jersey….what…no goodbye no nothing. She just upped and moved and I was devastated. From then on I vowed to never ever get close to anyone and to remain a loner and I did for the most part. I was never really friends with everyone but everyone knew who I was. I didn’t have a clique I hung out with the popular folks, the nerds, the weirdos, the lost crew, the singing crew, whatever. I was the person who could go from group to group and fit in. I was in middle school when there was a girl who tried to be my friend. She was cool…she would eat lunch at my table (where I sat alone), she would come near me on the playground (again where I sat by myself) and she would strike up conversations with me. I asked her one day what was her problem and she said nothing I just want to be your friend. I was like I don’t have friends….so go away. She didn’t and eventually she was able to get a few conversations out of me until one day I felt she was getting too close. So I made up a lie and made her cry so that she wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. Good….I got rid of her.

High school years I was in the band, choir, and ROTC. I was cool but I think I had the don’t speak to me unless spoken to type of face. So no one really spoke to me. I sat with a few people but remained a loner through high school. Came to college and I talked to a few people but still remained to myself. One day one of my college buddies (who is now my bestie) said you know why you don’t have friends….no, why? You don’t let people get close to you. When people start getting close you get scared and retreat. You don’t scare me so I am not going anywhere so you can try that mess on someone else. She was the first person that ever called me on my bullshat. She was right! I feel that when people know you too well that is the key to getting hurt. I never wanted to get hurt so I kept people at an arms length. If I don’t let them into my space I will never get hurt. I will never know the pain of losing a friend because I won’t have any. I didn’t want to be hurt like that 5 year old that was hurt so long ago. I put up a wall that I didn’t let anyone cross. She was able to cross it…my husband was able to cross it and one other person but everyone else….they can peek over the wall but many don’t cross it.

So back to the hubs friend when he asked me I got silent for a moment then I said simply, I do have a few but I don’t like when people get too close to me. He said but you are so funny, so smart, so giving, you are the life of the party why don’t you want people to know that. Why don’t you want people to know the real you? It’s taken me years to even put a picture up on my blog because I didn’t want anyone to see my face. I felt that if I stayed behind the scene that would get me by but it doesn’t. I have been blogging since 2010 and I just started putting a picture up, talking on periscope, and letting people in around 2014. Since I have done that my traffic has gone through the roof because they see the person behind the blog. Something that I never thought I would ever do. It’s been a hard journey to let people in and I do it but it’s been slow…….I still have that fear of getting hurt so I am careful who I let in. Here are a few other reasons why someone may not have friends

  • They are blunt and real (me) they don’t sugarcoat things and unfortunately a lot of people don’t like real talkers around them
  • Insecurities – Are you able to trust others, do you feel that you can’t measure up to others who you would like to be friends with
  • Lack of skills – Do you lack the skills needed to keep and maintain friendships? Do you have what it takes to be a good friend
  • Personality – Are you too controlling, pushy, needy, do you complain a lot? Is there something about you that people just find irritating? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.
  • Introverted – Do you like being alone rather than being with others? People can pick up on this and may not want you as their friend if you make excuses every time they invite you out
  • Time management skills – Do you have time for your friends? Do you spend time with certain friends over others? Do you spend time with all of your friends equally or are you picky about who you make time for
  • Communication – I have an associate (she’s not a friend) who only texts. I have known her for 2 years and have only spoken to her on the phone once in two years. I can see why she doesn’t have any friends because I am clearly not one of hers

As I start this journey of being a widow, a single mom, and everything else I find myself also on a journey to start really letting people know the real Kita. Get ready because I cuss a lot………

Do you have a lot of friends? If not why?

Why don't you have any freinds?

 

  • Reply
    Benita Johnson
    August 11, 2016 at 6:55 am

    Nope, no and not! I know plenty of people and I’m very well known but the friend thingy for me, can be overrated. Like you Kita I experienced the abandonment of my first bestie in 3rd grade. The day she and her family got in their car to leave I couldn’t let go of the door handle. Her parents were patient and gentle with me, urging me to let go. I finally did but in that shattering moment I changed. Throughout my school years I had different “friends” until a new girl came along and I was kicked to the curb. I’ve always been that girl in the saying “whenever there’s 3 girls together and 1 (me) walks away the other 2 talk about her”! More often than not that gossip got back to me. Messed up my trust, issues I still have to this day. After high school I met a girl and we became friends quickly. My “neighborhood friends” didn’t like it but soon they began trying to befriend her behind my back. She would tell me about it. Well 43 years later, although we don’t see or talk as often, we’re still friends. I have (had) another bestie for 41 years. We were more like sisters. But she died last New Year’s Eve. I have many, many acquaintances , some I don’t mind spending time with here and there but I just can’t let my wall down and be vulnerable again. Its scary. I spend most of my time alone and happy or with my daughters and happy. I’m a widow as well and when you lose your spouse you get to really see who your “friends” are. I believe in true and loyal friendship just not with everyone I meet. And I’m smart, talented, funny and compassionate. I’ve just learned that everyone won’t appreciate these qualities so why allow them to mess over them.

  • Reply
    Sarah Bailey
    August 12, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    I don’t have a lot of friends – just a few close ones, I think I’ve been let down by so many people I just don’t trust these days – sometimes I sit back and wish I had more but hey. x

  • Reply
    Stacie @ Divine Lifestyle
    August 12, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    This is an interesting post. Some people might be put off by it, but I love it. The way you just go right after why people my not have any friends is great. The truth can hurt, but it can also help you improve yourself. Love it!

  • Reply
    Colleen Lanin
    August 12, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    I love this post! Human interaction is a tricky business. I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there more! It can be terrifying to really open up, but I think you’ll be better for it.

  • Reply
    Pam
    August 12, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    i have a few close friends. They are all people that I have known since childhood. We still hang out as often as we can.

  • Reply
    Melissa @ Married My Sugar Daddy
    August 12, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    The truth of the matter is that making friends as an adult is HARD!! so I actually think this is a great litmus test for anyone who feels a little lonely or friendless to take- it’s a great way to spot your flaws and hopefully rectify them- sometimes we can be our own worst enemy!

  • Reply
    Brandy
    August 12, 2016 at 5:49 pm

    I don’t have a lot of friends, just a few close ones. I would rather have a few great friends that I can talk to about anything than a ton of friends who aren’t that close to me.

  • Reply
    Marcie W.
    August 12, 2016 at 9:58 pm

    I have very few friends and that is just the way I like it. For me, it is all about quality over quantity, and I have no time for games or drama.

  • Reply
    Toni | BoulderLocavore.com
    August 12, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    Sorry to hear about what happened to your childhood best friend. I don’t have much friends but I have a few close friends., We don’t get to see often but we still communicate and hang out sometimes.

  • Reply
    Liz Mays
    August 12, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    This is really interesting. I think the habit of pushing people away before they get close is pretty common. I don’t know why though!

  • Reply
    Nellie
    August 13, 2016 at 12:59 am

    I have friends that I can depend on in different capacities. A few that know that they can call me anytime and I will come running. I think one thing that comes in the way of friendships is life situations. It’s easy to be come offended and ignored meanwhile the person on the other side is usually going through something crazy. I appreciate my friends and have had a stable squad since my 30s. My 20s? Not so much.

  • Reply
    Theresa
    August 13, 2016 at 3:09 am

    I only have one really close friend in real life. I have a few close friends that I met through blogging. I find the less people I let in, the less drama I have to deal with.

  • Reply
    Nikki Wayne
    August 13, 2016 at 4:07 am

    I only have a few best friends and I don’t care if I can count them using my fingers. What matters is they are my trustworthy friends.

  • Reply
    Kelly Hutchinson
    August 13, 2016 at 10:53 am

    I’m pretty much the same way, I do not let a lot of people in. I like my small circle and it seems to work for me.

  • Reply
    Jocelyn @ Hip Mama's Place
    August 13, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    It’s hard to find the right, truthful type of friends. I don’t have a lot either, because I like my life simplified and less drama works better for me 😉

  • Reply
    Nicole Escat
    August 13, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    This is really worth reading, for me, I keep my circle of friends few than have many friends, and they are my closest friends.

  • Reply
    Kristin
    August 13, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    It’s so nice to know that you can see where your weaknesses are and do what you can to change. This is very true for a lot of people.

  • Reply
    Ann Bacciaglia
    August 15, 2016 at 2:52 am

    I grew up in a Military family and we had to move every three years. It was difficult to keep friends after we would move again. The most devastating move for me was when we moved away from my high school sweetheart. We reconnected years later and ended up getting married. It was meant to be.

  • Reply
    Mellissa Williams
    August 15, 2016 at 6:21 pm

    I am definitely blunt and tell it like it is. Introverted in some parts of life too doesn’t help. Thanks for sharing this. It was so eye opening to me because I have acquaintances but not many friends that I go out with or anything.

  • Reply
    Joi
    August 16, 2016 at 1:35 am

    I can understand not wanting to get hurt. The relationship concept is tricky…on the one hand you can love so hard in friendships but on the other hand when you get disappointed by a friend, it really hurts and that really sucks. I go back and forth on this friendship roller coaster, some days I’m not feeling some of my friends. At the end of the day, over time I’ve always found that I love them more than I don’t. I just accept people for who they are but operate in the friendships where people are able to meet me. I don’t have trust expectations from the friend that runs her mouth, however she might be the loyal one to show up to everything if it makes since where I’m coming from. Great topic!

  • Reply
    Kiwi
    August 16, 2016 at 6:55 pm

    I know you are still going through a lot and still so sorry to hear about your husband. I think you should definitely open up more and let people in. I know 5 year old Kita got hurt but you grown up and that one little girl who moved away on you shouldnt block your blessings. I am rooting for you – I am similar to you not that I dont have friends I have lots, but I never cliqued up. I always got a long with all types of people so use that to your advantage because friends as an adult turns into NETWORKING AND OPPORTUNITIES too!

  • Reply
    Lou
    August 22, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    When I moved to Georgia back in 2006, I didn’t have any friends at all. Still kind of don’t. I’m like you, I don’t like to have people get too close to just later on hurt me. Plus, now that I blog, I don’t know if people are truly wanting to be my friend or just tagging along to use me.

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