I was asked this question a few weeks ago by one of my late husbands friends. He said Kita you are so real , so raw, so funny, so giving…..why don’t you have any friends? I guess we got on the subject because he asked me what I was doing for Memorial Day and I told him nothing because I didn’t have anyone to spend the day with which is normal. He was shocked and asked me why didn’t I have friends? He knew that I didn’t have many girlfriends through my husband but he didn’t understand why. Let me back up and tell you why I don’t….
I was 5 years old when I had my first real best friend. She and I played together, walked to school together (I lived in the city there was no bus for kids who lived close to the school), ate lunch together. She was my bestie and then one day she was gone………I knew she was missing a few days in school and I thought she was just sick until 2 days turned into 2 weeks. I finally asked my mother what happened to her. My mother said that she would find out and she did. She moved to New Jersey….what…no goodbye no nothing. She just upped and moved and I was devastated. From then on I vowed to never ever get close to anyone and to remain a loner and I did for the most part. I was never really friends with everyone but everyone knew who I was. I didn’t have a clique I hung out with the popular folks, the nerds, the weirdos, the lost crew, the singing crew, whatever. I was the person who could go from group to group and fit in. I was in middle school when there was a girl who tried to be my friend. She was cool…she would eat lunch at my table (where I sat alone), she would come near me on the playground (again where I sat by myself) and she would strike up conversations with me. I asked her one day what was her problem and she said nothing I just want to be your friend. I was like I don’t have friends….so go away. She didn’t and eventually she was able to get a few conversations out of me until one day I felt she was getting too close. So I made up a lie and made her cry so that she wouldn’t be my best friend anymore. Good….I got rid of her.
High school years I was in the band, choir, and ROTC. I was cool but I think I had the don’t speak to me unless spoken to type of face. So no one really spoke to me. I sat with a few people but remained a loner through high school. Came to college and I talked to a few people but still remained to myself. One day one of my college buddies (who is now my bestie) said you know why you don’t have friends….no, why? You don’t let people get close to you. When people start getting close you get scared and retreat. You don’t scare me so I am not going anywhere so you can try that mess on someone else. She was the first person that ever called me on my bullshat. She was right! I feel that when people know you too well that is the key to getting hurt. I never wanted to get hurt so I kept people at an arms length. If I don’t let them into my space I will never get hurt. I will never know the pain of losing a friend because I won’t have any. I didn’t want to be hurt like that 5 year old that was hurt so long ago. I put up a wall that I didn’t let anyone cross. She was able to cross it…my husband was able to cross it and one other person but everyone else….they can peek over the wall but many don’t cross it.
So back to the hubs friend when he asked me I got silent for a moment then I said simply, I do have a few but I don’t like when people get too close to me. He said but you are so funny, so smart, so giving, you are the life of the party why don’t you want people to know that. Why don’t you want people to know the real you? It’s taken me years to even put a picture up on my blog because I didn’t want anyone to see my face. I felt that if I stayed behind the scene that would get me by but it doesn’t. I have been blogging since 2010 and I just started putting a picture up, talking on periscope, and letting people in around 2014. Since I have done that my traffic has gone through the roof because they see the person behind the blog. Something that I never thought I would ever do. It’s been a hard journey to let people in and I do it but it’s been slow…….I still have that fear of getting hurt so I am careful who I let in. Here are a few other reasons why someone may not have friends
- They are blunt and real (me) they don’t sugarcoat things and unfortunately a lot of people don’t like real talkers around them
- Insecurities – Are you able to trust others, do you feel that you can’t measure up to others who you would like to be friends with
- Lack of skills – Do you lack the skills needed to keep and maintain friendships? Do you have what it takes to be a good friend
- Personality – Are you too controlling, pushy, needy, do you complain a lot? Is there something about you that people just find irritating? Sometimes, there is something off-putting about a person’s behavior and the individual lacks awareness of the problem.
- Introverted – Do you like being alone rather than being with others? People can pick up on this and may not want you as their friend if you make excuses every time they invite you out
- Time management skills – Do you have time for your friends? Do you spend time with certain friends over others? Do you spend time with all of your friends equally or are you picky about who you make time for
- Communication – I have an associate (she’s not a friend) who only texts. I have known her for 2 years and have only spoken to her on the phone once in two years. I can see why she doesn’t have any friends because I am clearly not one of hers
As I start this journey of being a widow, a single mom, and everything else I find myself also on a journey to start really letting people know the real Kita. Get ready because I cuss a lot………
Do you have a lot of friends? If not why?